Childhood Friend of the Zenith – 381 (Part 2)



381 (Part 2)

I wondered if my father was acting this way because he had received the golden decree but I felt that wasn’t the case.

It was just a feeling. In times like this my instincts had never been wrong.

At the moment when his expression was about to twist in anger.

“How many regrets have you had in your life?”

My father suddenly brought up an unexpected topic.

“…Regrets?”

I paused for a moment at his sudden words.

Regrets?

How many regrets have I had?

“I’ve had quite a few.”

I said with a hollow laugh.

What good would it do to say? Regret was like my life. I had experienced it to the point of exhaustion. Perhaps it was something I would have to endure to the point of exhaustion in the future as well.

But why was my father asking such a thing?

“I as the Clan Head… no I have not had many regrets in life.”

It was an unexpected statement. A life with few regrets.

What an enviable life it was.

Whether he knew my thoughts or not my father continued.

“I lived a life without unnecessary regrets. I believed that excessive attachment was meaningless. I have lived that way. Do you know what few regrets remain for me?”

Regrets that my father had.

“…I don’t know.”

There was no way I could know.

As I cautiously replied my father spoke as if he had been waiting for my response.

“That regret lies with you and your mother.”

“…!”

His words pierced my heart like a dagger.

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I never expected him to say such a thing.

That my mother and I were the regrets. How could he say that to my face?

“Right now that…!”

Just as I was about to lose my temper.

“On that day I should not have taken you to your mother.”

My father’s words left me breathless.

It was an unexpected statement.

The day he was referring to was the day my mother was swallowed by the demonic realm and disappeared.

“That…”

“I should not have sent your mother away like that. I should not have listened to her request and let you meet her as a child. That is my regret.”

Just as I was about to say something I was engulfed by a sense of alienation upon hearing my father’s words.

“…You mean you listened to my mother’s words?”

And that I should not have sent her away?

It almost seemed as if it looked like my mother had left willingly.

“…”

“On that day the reason you took me was because of my mother’s words?”

My father did not answer my question but I could tell that his silence was an affirmation.

‘What kind of ridiculous statement is this?’

It was still vivid. The memories of that time often resurfaced in my mind.

On a winter night.

My hands and ears were red from the cold.

When my mind was hazy from the shock my mother’s touch was on my cheek and my father was looking down at me.

I remember everything—the unknown demonic realm door that opened behind us and my mother’s tears.

That moment was when my life began to fall apart so how could I forget?

Until now I had always thought that my father had dragged me there.

‘In reality my mother wanted to see me?’

This was something I had never known.

“I should not have granted her wish to see you one last time.”

The moonlight cast shadows making my father’s expression suddenly hard to see.

If what my father said was true.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

It was a statement that came far too late.

I had lived thinking that my mother had ended up that way because of the sins of this damned family and my father’s choices.

I had feared my father who had forced me to witness my mother’s last moments.

As if to say that if I rejected the sins I had to bear I too would end up like that.

But now if that wasn’t the case.

“…It’s too late to say that.”

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It was a story that had come far too late.

Whether it was true or not I had already come too far.

“Why didn’t you tell me? At the very least if you had told me this much in advance…”

“Do you think it would have changed anything?”

“…”

I couldn’t bring myself to answer affirmatively to that question.

I had come to realize that it was not so simple.

Even so.

“…So you wanted me to crumble under resentment towards the Clan Head?”

That was how it had been in my past life.

I had crumbled and sunk into filth.

Did my father truly not know that I would fall apart like that?

My father took a few breaths filled with various emotions.

His breath felt strangely heavy.

“People no matter who they are when faced with unbearable circumstances…”

It flowed out with his breath.

“Will inevitably seek someone to blame.”

The words that spilled out carelessly were enough to stir my mind.

“If you need such a being wouldn’t it be better to blame your incompetent father rather than resent a world you cannot face?”

“…”

It was bitter. It felt truly bitter in some indescribable way.

I didn’t want to hear such words.

I just wanted to know where my mother was.

I didn’t want to know such things now.

“…It’s a contradiction.”

“Indeed.”

“If by any chance there was consideration from the Clan Head in that regard it would not be reasonable to just watch me fall apart.”

It was my fault that I had begun to crumble and could not endure it. Nevertheless it was my father who had left me to it without trying to lift me up.

“Surely you’re not saying you wanted me to blame myself for that too?”

I was swept away by the wind.

It felt like all the emotions that had built up over the years were crashing down on me at once.

Where had these feelings been hiding until now only to rise up at this moment?

I had thought I was living just fine without caring.

On one hand I thought.

If my father had tried to catch me and lift me up as I crumbled.

Would I have changed?

It was something I could not know since it had never happened.

Even if it were something that could have changed I hoped it wouldn’t.

If that were the case.

I would feel too miserable for not having experienced such things.

So please.

“Indeed.”

I hoped my father wouldn’t look at me with such eyes.

“That too is my regret.”

I hoped he would look at me with the same cold and distant gaze as always.

“Knowing it shouldn’t be so it is my sin for not reaching out.”

I wished he wouldn’t look at me with such bitter eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“…”

“Therefore even more so I cannot send you to your mother. This regret is enough.”

I never thought I would hear my father’s apology.

Something that had barely been holding on inside me shattered into pieces.

If only he had made excuses saying he couldn’t help it or that he had no time to care for me it would have been better.

My father didn’t say such things at all.

That’s why it was even more unbearable.

I immediately covered my face with trembling hands.

Not because tears were flowing out disgracefully.

But because I couldn’t bear to meet my father’s gaze.

It would have been easier if I hadn’t heard the apology.

How did it come to this?

‘…Ah.’

I should not have received such an apology from my father.

Even if he had been someone I feared and resented so much.

He should not have apologized to me.

Was it because he had made mistakes until now? Or was it simply because he was my father?

No.

That wasn’t the reason.

It was something more fundamental.

At the very least.

At the very least.

He should not apologize to a child who had killed him.

Memories that I had embedded in a corner of my mind unable to forget resurfaced like that winter night when I sent my mother away.

– You did well.

The words of praise from my father when I ascended to the demonic realm.

The image of my father speaking to me in his last moments overlapped.

Yes my father’s last moments.

In my past life aside from Wi Seol-ah my father was the only one who had inflicted a wound on the Heavenly Demon.

Not long after that he met his death.

In the Central Plains it was natural to think that the Heavenly Demon had killed my father.

But the reality was different.

The Heavenly Demon did not kill my father.

It was I who killed him.